Aby's Burning Question

Aby 's comment on my last post:

"I'm gonna go ahead and ask an ever burning question that has been on my mind since I started reading your blog; if having all that help (driver, housekeeper, cook, etc.) is more trouble than it's worth - why have it??"

Aby, I wonder that myself quite often. Here's the reasons we always come back to:

1. It's really dirty and germy here. The amount of dust and dirt and disease here is colossal. When I wash my hands--and I wash them probably 10 times each day--I almost always see dirt coming off in the brown water dripping into the sink. When I tell the kids to go wash their hands and feet, they can clearly see why this is necessary without even talking about germs. When I open a scrapbook that has been on a shelf in a closet for months, there is sooty dirt all over on each plastic sheet protected page. When I take my winter clothes out of the closet each year I have to wash them because of all the dust that's collected on them. Even though we sweep and mop the floor every day at our house, we still have filthy dirty feet at the end of each day from walking around barefoot inside. Nothing that came into the world white remains white for long. So having servants pretty much feels necessary because keeping things clean is a really big job. The car has to be "dusted" every day as well. And then, when you add the risk of freaky diseases, having a dirty house or a dirty toilet becomes a big health hazard and the stakes are much higher in this land.

2. Servants are cheaper than machines. Unlike industrialized America where having a machine do a job is cheaper than a person, in India "help" is really cheap. The driver Anil makes $150 each month, the cook/housekeeper Margaret makes $150 too. That's for full-time work. My friend Michelle who just moved back to America from India just paid $100 for someone to come clean her house for 4 hours! I don't remember how much a dishwasher cost when we were shopping for one (it would have had to live in the laundry room if we'd gotten one), but when we looked at the one-and-only model in the shop, we decided paying servants to wash dishes would be more economical. They iron the clothes that get wrinkly from hanging out to dry or from the substandard dryer we paid too much for. They soak all the fruits and vegetables in bleach-water so the nasty microbes on them don't kill us. You get the idea.

3. They know stuff and people don't cheat them as much. One major help is that our servants speak Hindi and can therefore work as translators of language and culture. Anil can ask for directions when we're driving. Margaret can call a plumber and wait all day for him to come and communicate with him when he comes. Margaret also goes to the food market and supposedly gets better prices because she's not white (though I do have my doubts about this one). We can send Anil to buy something without us and he'll probably get a better price because he knows the little alley where you can get it cheap and they don't know he's buying for a foreigner.

4. They live here. We have two relatively nice servant's quarters above our garage (a bedroom and a bathroom with a nook for a kitchen in each) where Margaret and Poojah and her family of five live, and the driver Anil and his family of five live in the other one. They live there rent-free and get free utilities. When we drive around and see all the homeless people around us, and talk to the people at church struggling to find a place to live they can afford, we feel pretty happy that we are providing housing to two families in India. There is so much poverty around us in India, and giving to beggars is nice but doesn't necessarily help them (the money often goes to beggar-masters and doesn't get the kids a home or education). We feel like giving two families an income and a place to live is a way of doing our part to help the people of India. Their working for us also enables three children to go to school who might not otherwise be able to--two of whom are girls (who traditionally miss out on school). The first two years we lived here we had the lone driver living in one of the quarters part-time and I always felt badly that the room was being wasted on one person when there were homeless families outside.

5. They are members of our church. And this is probably the single most important reason we keep them around. Before Anil worked for us, he wasn't able to attend church because his employer made him work seven days a week. Now he comes to church every week, and is the branch mission leader. His kids know all the primary songs and his wife is the Enrichment leader. Margaret and her family joined the Church after she started working for us (her Hindu husband is not yet a member), and she says the Church has brought her family so many blessings. Now of course, if they stopped working for us they might find jobs that would allow them to continue going to church. But what if they didn't? And what if they hated us AND the Church forever because their branch president and his wife fired them?

So why all the complaining?

In spite of all the reasons I just listed, having servants is probably the number one reason that I want to get on the next plane to America. I've done a lot of thinking about why this is, and I've learned a lot about myself.

1. I am fiercely independent. This independence seems in part to be a distinctly American characteristic--something about that pioneering spirit, I guess. I haven't done a thorough study, but among all of my expatriate friends here, the Europeans and Asians don't seem to have a problem with gaggles of servants doing everything for them. But the Americans do. LDS Americans are even worse. It's hard to explain, but if I'm a stay-at-home mom who doesn't cook, clean, do laundry or drive, what do I do all day? With all these servants, my identity becomes blurred. I don't like being dependent on all of these people to survive, especially when they let me down. Though our driver would like nothing more than to be my knight in shining armor, I'm constantly bursting his bubble because I'm working toward independence from him.

2. I am a control freak. I like my laundry folded and sorted a certain way and the dishes washed and stacked in a certain order. I like my kid's diaper changed in the bedroom, not the kitchen. And I want to vomit or scream obscenities when I realize that sometimes the same rag that cleaned the toilet is now being used to wash my dishes! I like to be certain that I washed my hands before and after that chicken was cut, and that the toilet paper we just bought was actually the cheapest roll in the soft-enough category (and how do you explain that to someone who doesn't use toilet paper?). I like to drive the fastest way to school, but some days I'd rather go on the road that goes past the beautiful Lodi Gardens just because I need to see some beauty that day. And trying to explain that to Anil feels silly, so we just keep on going the yucky Ring Road way as I feel trapped and powerless in the back seat.

3. I like my privacy. I don't like having to worry if I'm being a good example to these new members of the Church in my home and in the car all day every day. I don't like it that I can't throw away the annoying noise-making toy or the machine gun toy that they gave my kids because I know they go through the trash before they empty it. I like walking around in my underwear or staying in my pajamas all day when I'm having that sort of day. And when I yell at my kids, I don't like people standing around or watching in the rearview mirror thinking, "How can madam yell at these sweet wonderful children?"

4. I am a reluctant manager. I hate ordering people around. I hate trying to figure out how to tell them nicely and constructively that they're just not cutting it. I am not good at explaining what I want and how I want it done, especially to people who don't speak English very well. I hate people being afraid of me and unwilling to tell me the truth because I'm the boss and they know I won't like what I hear. And frankly, I am non-confrontational and that is why I still have servants and can't figure out how to make it otherwise.

So there you have it, Aby. The circular thinking and reasoning that occupies way too many late-night discussions with Rich. We think we're working toward more independence from our beloved helpers. Let's see if we have the guts to put our plans into action.