Mark Gurney's Winning Essay

Following is Mark's brilliant essay. Isn't he the greatest?

Unfortunately, Mark has declined the prize, so it's now open to anyone willing to write an essay and willing to come here before the end of June. Anyone game? You've got a week, and you better have a passport because there's likely not time to get one at this point!

"Oh India, how do you need me? Let me count the ways."

by Mark Gurney

10. India Needs Cleanliness. I've never been to India, but I've heard from first-hand sources that India needs cleanliness...and who better to deliver than "yours truly". I've been known to clean buildings in one single bound. My nickname in high school was Mr. Clean. Needless to say, if India wants to get cleaner, that will start with me.

9. India Needs the Possibility of a Gurney Trifecta. This possibility has only been spoken of in hushed tones in dark places...but it is possible that a Gurney Trifecta could converge on India. There's no telling what this Trifecta could mean for the country. Imagine, The three middle Gurneys together; Brandon, Merinda, and Mark.

8. India Needs Order. I've heard from various sources that India has a hard time coming to complete stops at stop signs, keeping straight lines, and correctly ordering french fries at McDonalds. Well not only have I done those things, but I've done them in order of each other, including stopping at a stop sign on my way to McDonalds, waiting patiently in line to give my order, and then placing my order by saying, "shukria for the french fries", but I've also helped old ladies at nursing homes do the same thing.

7. India Needs Another Blonde. I've heard that your boys are tired of being stared at because they have blonde hair and blue eyes. Well, they'd stop staring if they saw more of those features...and I offer both!

6. India Needs an American Who Has Sat Down to Watch All Six Hours of Sholay! I know India culture inside and out by the mere fact that I have watched all of Sholay...over an extended period of time.

5. India Needs Less Congestion. I don't cause a lot of traffice, and I currently don't have a cold, and do not plan to have one any time soon. Also, I don't have allergies and won't be sneezing because of dust.

4. India Needs Someone Unfamiliar in How to Make Nuclear Weapons. I'm not sure if you've noticed but India is next to Pakistan, and sometimes the two countries want to show off their guns...well this potential visitor has very little in the gun cabinet (meaning muscles), and is definitely not familiar in the nuclear ways. In other words, just peace and love from this brother.

3. India Needs PHUN, that's PH (balanced). India needs someone who is:
Pretty
Hot
Unless
Near OGLE-2005-BLG-390L b (http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060921201511AAFCaQ7)

2. India Needs Family. This may be unfair, but I am family and that makes visiting so much more fun. I can be a true uncle to your boys, and even play Kalamus Fire with them. No guaranties that it will be as fun as with Brandon, but Uncles are Uncles and brothers ar brothers.

and the number one reason why India Needs Yours Truly is....

1. India Needs Mark Gurney. While I can't offer to lower the cost of gasoline on the average consumer, I can't offer troop withdrawals within 90-days of of being in office, I can't promise all those manufacturing jobs back to the workers, I can't offer to bring back the middle class, I can't offer a peaceful resolution to the Palestinian-Israel conflict, I can't offer lower taxes and more spending, I can offer myself, which is pretty darn good and a promise I can deliver on.

Thank you for your consideration.